Patti's blog

There is no doubt in my mind that fear supports fear. It is fear that creates war in our world and it is also fear that stops me from being my very best. Fear of failure, ridicule, dependence, oh the list goes on and on. Recently when addressing a health concern I became so full of fear I began to fear the worse. Again and again I was told I had the flu. Who has the flu for 4 months? Finally, I got an answer. Not a great answer but something. The fear and anxiety melted away and I can deal with the issue with a calmer more concious demeanor. Thank you Rabbit for reminding me to face fear. Knoledge is power.

Thursday was a rough day for me. The eve of the new moon brought high emotions. It began on my morning walk with my old faithful dog Jupiter. He was having a tough time getting home. I think he may have had a little stroke or maybe it just got too hot. I did get out early enough but with the slow old dog pace and many rolls in the grass at the park, it was getting late. So I was late for my pottery class. The instructor is a much older woman who comes across as a sweetie but can turn on a dime when she see a student doing something wrong. (she doesn't really teach, just waits around doing her projects till she see a student doing something wrong :)
So the tears of frog came in, I don't cry very often, but made a few trips to the car that day and wailed. Finally I just packed it in and went home.
I read Melissa's blog about alligator and decided it was a good idea to lay low with just my eyes above the surface. Actually I went home cranked up the AC and didn't open the door again till morning.
I woke up very early Friday. The air was fresh and cool outside so I opened all the doors and windows to enjoy the breeze. I enjoyed a short meditation and pulled up a you tube video with the Dali Lama called Peace through Compassion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHJG41Q2VjY
I was sitting in the dark totally engrossed when I hear a big commotion in my bedroom. Jupiter was sleeping on the floor beside me so of course I thought someone was coming through the window. Upon investigation I discovered a cute little baby owl perched on the curtain rod. He got a little excited and flew around the room perching on picture frames then back to the curtain rod. I think it wore him out, as he landed on the floor and I was able to gently cover him with a towel and bring him outside.
In the book Medicine Cards owl stands for deception. As I read further it says " you are being asked to use your powers of keen, silent observation to intuit some life situation. Owl is befriending you and aiding you to see the total truth."
Good advice! I was a shy silent child and after many years of working with the public I grew out of it. Now at times I think I talk to much and "catch myself" interrupting when others are talking. I need to stop and listen more...(see Bryn's blog)
So that was my lesson from owl.
After releasing owl I returned inside only to find a giant spider crossing my kitchen floor. She was harder to catch than owl :)
The lessons continue!

On the full moon call of April 28 Melissa mentioned having some difficulties with writing, although she said she had worked through it and now enjoys it. I often encounter some of the same issues mentioned on the call. Of course we all know about writers block or not being in the flow. But mine is more about computer block. Sitting in front of a blank screen feels to me like a dreaded chore.
I didn't acquire a computer until my daughter Kellie was in the third grade. (She claimed she would not have an edge in school without one.) I would get in front of it read a couple of emailed jokes and wonder what the big deal was.
Several years later Kellie and I began college at the same time. Every essay I wrote needed to be typed, double spaced, with correct grammar and spelling. I found the computer invaluable. But still I could not get the message to flow from my thoughts to the blank screen. So I wrote every paper longhand and used a computer as a word processor. I continue to use that method to this day. Although I can now put my thoughts on paper, edit and enhance as I type. (Oh I'm still a 4 fingered typist.)
I never really understood why I could not "get it" as I saw my classmates just tapping away as I scribbled on my notebook.
I recently met a writer named Janet Connor. She is out promoting her book titled Writing Down Your Soul. She is a popular speaker at the Unity Church in FL. The Unity daily reader "Daily Word" published her article "How to have a conservation with God." She advised for "soul writing" is to "Write by hand. (The computer keeps you in conscious mind and you want to get out of your stress filled conscious mind.)"
Finally I more fully understood my block.
I'm all for being conscious but the stress filled part I could live with out.
So as I continue my journey I will keep pen and paper in hand.

Wild Boar or Javelina as he is called here in the southwest showed up in my life a few days ago. It had already been a tough day. I woke up to find a landscaper cutting down the only tree (a large mesquite) in front of my apartment. This tree shaded my patio from the blistering sun, held my bird feeders and was the only thing about my apt. that I loved. Later in the day while driving the speed limit through a residential neighborhood a man began tailgating me beeping and gesturing me to get out of the way. I pulled over and let him pass. As it turns out I knew him as I walk my dog in that neighborhood. I thought he was one of the good guys! I was so disappointed I broke down in tears. I have not cried in years, although I must admit it was long overdue and did feel good. I think the tears were really for the tree, my acquaintance was just the catalyst. I then attended a 12 step meeting where everyone who spoke cried and went home feeling grateful that my problems were not so serious. That was before I found a three inch cockroach in my kitchen cabinet. I tossed and turned for hours at 2 a.m. my dog is barking his head off. I get up thinking someone is breaking into a car. I open the patio door to witness four javelina chomping my tomato plants behind the patio fence. Well the dog was so excited he knocked over a large houseplant, scattering wet dirt and shards of pottery all over the carpet. So there I am on the patio in the middle of the night yelling and throwing pottery at hairy pigs. They didn't budge. The next day, after cleaning my carpet, I checked into the totem animals of the week and found wild boar staring me in the face. I just had to laugh. I still have no idea why they showed up at my door.

When moose turned up in the cards two weeks ago I knew for sure that I needed to take a look at my self-esteem. My feelings of self worth were pretty low and my thinking had become distorted. I had been ill for quite a while and didn't have the energy to quiet these nagging thoughts.
My lack of confidence and low self worth is what began my journey of studying spirituality and meta-physics many years ago, sometimes I get so discouraged that I am still dealing with the same issues.
Being able to recognize what is going on is the key. During my illness I had stopped meditating, writing, reading and connecting with spirit in any way. Depressed and feeling the fear I made small steps to reconnect. I listened to meditation Cd's.(Quan Yin's Garden is a good one), I reread a couple of Stuart Wilde's older books and got back onto the Sunday Call Series. This week Blue Heron and Mouse were in the spread. Instead of feeling dread about looking at myself (Blue Heron), with scrutiny (Mouse), I feel that I can see my true self more clearly. Keeping up spiritual practices and connections allow me to know that all those OLD TAPES and insecurities are just that and have no place in my life today.
Budda said, "We are what we think. All that we are arises from our thoughts. With our thoughts we make our world."

Peace from Patti

I recently came across the video titled "Ram Dass Fierce Grace" in the 'new' section of my public library. I found it quite good. Although I had read his book "Be Here Now" I learned things about this man I never knew.

Blue Heron flew into the medicine spread on Sunday and what I heard most was about looking at ourselves. I have lamented about this all week. "I didn't want to look at myself again." I realized I was facing another of my energy lows or woes, as I muddled through the week.

I don't expect to see an Armadillo this week. However I am delighted he walked into the Medicine Card spread. I have been activly working on boundries for the past month. Of course all kinds of issues surrounding boundries came up for me this past week. This has been a difficult lesson for me to learn. I was raised as "Navy Brat" by a fear filled Catholic mother. Taking care of others needs first was deeply ingrained since childhood. As I enter my 50th year this weekend (Happy Birthday to Debra too!) I am finally learning to take care of myself first. Antelope the action taker is helping things along.